Whom You Choose to Surround Yourself with Matters

In the coaching world, we talk a lot about choices. The choices we make define who we are today and in the future. They also define whom we are becoming. Did you know, that one of the greatest choices that can impact our lives (both present and future) is whom we decide to surround ourselves with on a daily basis?

Research by social psychologist Dr. David McClelland of Harvard University found that “the people you habitually associate with, determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.”

That is pretty significant! According to Dr. McClelland, those that you frequently associate with become your “reference group.” These individuals have an influence on you in some way, whether it be intentional or subconscious. If your reference group has a generally positive outlook on life, you likely also share that optimism. The same is true in reverse.

Take a moment to think of your inner circle. Are these individuals you aspire to become? Do they build you up and believe in you? Do you leave your interaction with them inspired? Are they aligned with your real internal core values?

If you answered no to any of the questions above, I challenge you to think of why these individuals are members of your inner circle. As harsh as that challenge may seem, it is for good reason. Your mindset is largely impacted by the individuals in your inner circle. No matter how capable you are, when it comes to success, mindset is the strongest determining factor.

The next time you're with your team or a group of friends, take a moment to play the role of an observer. What are the conversations being had? What is the mindset of the individuals having these conversations? By stepping into the role of an observer, it can give you a bird's eye view of the experience at hand.

Many times, our mindsets may shift and align with the individual we are interacting with. It’s almost like it is contagious. Have you ever been with your friends and someone starts complaining about their workday and next thing you know, everyone has shared a story complaining about something? Oftentimes, individuals that choose a toxic mindset spend their communication and interactions blaming and complaining about situations instead of looking for productive actions to make themselves and their experience successful. What many fail to remember, is a positive and neutral mindset is just as much of a choice as a toxic and negative mindset.

And a positive and neutral mindset is something you can work to improve on. It may feel difficult at first to transition to a positive mindset but over time it will start to feel more innate. Ensuring that the individuals in your reference group also approach life with a positive mindset, or are actively attempting to, will largely improve your success.

So what do you do if you find yourself surrounded by individuals that are bringing you and your capabilities down?

If these individuals are in your friends' circle, it may be time to start introducing yourself to new individuals and forming new relationships. This can be somewhat uncomfortable at first but just as the seasons change, we also as human beings change. Through this change, we may come to some self-observations that we are no longer aligned with some individuals as we had been in the past. Think back to the questions we discussed at the beginning. Everyone in your circle should be bringing a positive attribute to your life. If you find the relationship is worth maintaining, try approaching your friend with honesty. If you find they are particularly negative in situations, let them know it is impacting you. You can say something like, “Lately I have been working on being more intentional with my mindset and being more positive. I notice at times you approach situations with a negative mindset. This negativity is making me uncomfortable when we are together. I greatly value our friendship but if our interactions continue to discourage or limit me, I will need to take a step back from things.”

If we find within our work environment that we are not aligned and our interactions are bringing our mindset and capabilities down, this is an opportunity to step in and identify a breakdown. What communication would need to happen to shift the mindset of the team and to productivity and support? How can the team effectively communicate together and establish trust for feedback?  What would need to be different to come to a better outcome? Our work environment is slightly different from our personal environment as we cannot always stop working with individuals. Because of this, open and honest communication is very important at work.

Now that we know whom you surround yourself with matters, is it time for an evaluation? Many successful people evaluate those they are surrounded by on a constant and consistent basis.

And as you look to your success, who can you surround yourself with today that will allow you to constantly grow and become a better version of yourself tomorrow?

Celebrating your success,

Krista Ryan